What if…

Like Jack Nicholson says in the film “what if this is as good as it gets?”

I thought about this quote from the film of the same name on the way home with my dog this morning.  I had walked part way to school with my son (so he can walk the rest of the way on his own as he is in year 6 now), and as I walked home with my dog, I met up with a friend who also walks her dog.  Like me she has always had back problems, and although she is older than me, seems to have very similar problems.

She has now had two back operations, I have had one.  I remember her saying that it is best to avoid further surgery if you can as it makes you less mobile and brings with it it’s own problems whilst only masking the original problem – thinking to myself thats not how it is at all, and I could not cope before I had surgery.  However, now my foot has started to go a little bit more numb every day all over again and the original problems I had before surgery return one by one, I can see why she said that.

She has just had a hip replacement, and only 3 weeks later is out walking her dog again (mainly because her husband has let the air out of the tyres of her bike to stop her cycling as it is doing damage!) – I hope I can keep myself so mobile that I am able to be like her when I reach her age.

So what if my state of physical fitness right now (or at any point in previous years) is or has been as good as it gets?

What if from here on in, I will live in this much and slowly worsening pain every day, be unable to do what I want to do physically, and get more and more decrepid?  I already feel like a pensioner and have done from the age of 40, mind you I say I feel like a pensioner, I know plenty of pensioners (people well into their 70’s) who are so much more capable than I am now.  I am scared that it will always be this way.  I am scared to talk about it, or at least bored of talking about it – there only so much you can hear yourself talk about it before you shut of from the sound of your own voice.

There is so much going on in my life right now – from organising a family of four with kids at school, to working (albeit a part time job working from home), to building an extension on our house, the list at the moment really feels endless.  To top it off, I feel that I am not really contributing to anything financially because I only work 2 hours a day so I earn so little – the “real” money has to be earned by my partner and I just spend it.  I have reached a stage where I have to write things down within seconds of thinking of them or chances are I will forget them.  Gone into overload, so can’t think straight, yet got so much to do I can’t stop.

At the same time I don’t want to stop, because before I know it my kids will have grown up and left home, and I will miss them so much.  So if this is as good as it gets, I am trying my best not to think about the future, it’s just another thing to deal with that I don’t need right now.

Maybe if it’s film quotes I am thinking about, I should be thinking about “always look on the bright side of life”, after all everything could be so much worse when you look at the bad things people round the world have do deal with, and although I am unhappy, I am so lucky to have as much as I do – a family who love me (and who I love more that I can explain), my family have their health, and I am healthy (none of my problems are fatal).  Monty Python it is then, it is the only way forward.


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